I'm off to Wembley to watch Englad vs Ukraine tonight, so excited!!! :D

Of course this means that I have to forfeit an evening with my lovely boyfriend but OMG it's worth it!!!

I've been smiling so much recently that my cheeks are actually beginning to hurt but if that's the only cost of being happy then I'll willingly pay it. I honestly never thought that anybody would be capable of having any real affection for me let alone loving me for all that I am. I haven't felt so special or appreciated in all my life, I can't believe how lucky I am to have found my lovely boyfriend, Ash.

We spent an amazing afternoon together today at the park. Ok so the weather was really dismal and it was bitterly cold and Ash ended up lending me his scarf so I could keep warm but none of that mattered because no amount of bad weather could spoil our time together. Plus it really was quite romantic kissing for ages in the rain. ;)

I've been with my boyfriend Ash one week today. I consider that to be quite an achievement for me. :)

I didn't get to see my boyfriend today because he's been at work all day but I've still been smiling away to myself. It's crazy how someone can come into your life and just turn your whole world upside down in the space of a few weeks.

I'm just chatting to him now on msn and can't believe how soppy the conversation is that we are having. We've only been together officially for two days but already our talks are kind of mushy lol.

OMG I'm so excited, I've just had my first proper kiss and the awesome thing is that it wasn't at all awkward or anything. It happened quite naturally and I found it a lot less scary than I had been imagining. :D

I was crazily nervous this morning waiting for him to come and pick me up and actually I can still feel my heart pounding like mad. I haven't been able to eat properly for a few days either because of constantly feeling butterflies in my stomach.

He makes me so happy though that all of the anxiety is worth it!

I almost forgot to say, he bought me a bunch of roses too <3

I'm paying the price for having a good day yesterday. This morning I've woken up feeling quite poorly yet I'm still unbelievably happy.

I have to keep pinching myself to make sure that I'm not dreaming all of this. I simply can't believe that anybody would ever be interested in me and yet they are.

Before I turned 21, I was all prepared to accept that I was destined to spend my life alone. Now just a little over a week later and everything has changed and suddenly my life has a new meaning.

It's easier to look upon everything with a lot more positivity and now more than ever I want to get my life back on track.

This all just seems so insane to me at the moment.

OMG I actually did it, I am so unbelievably proud of myself right now. I met the bloke that I like and we had a few drinks and now we're going to the cinema later. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but this is simply the best thing to have happened to me in a very long while.

I'm really stuck in a dilemma right now. For the first time in forever it seems that a bloke is actually interested in me and now he wants to meet me for a drink. The problem: I don't do socializing, it is something very alien to me and the thought of meeting someone alone is too terrifying to be able to put into words but would be something like this aaaarrrrrrgh!!!

I'm an adult(supposedly) and the only person placing limitations on myself is myself, there is nothing physically restricting me from doing this it's all in my mind. Unfortunately my mind just happens to have a very strong hold over me and because of this I am incapable of living my life in a way that would make me happy. It's just so frustrating and it makes me angry at myself for being such a hopeless case and not having the guts to do anything.

I really want to meet this bloke, he's been so nice to me ever since we met at the first network meeting that was held and it feels like this could be my one and only chance but I'm probably just going to throw it away. The truth is I don't feel ready for anything. I know that I can't be in a relationship because of how many issues I have with myself at the moment and I don't want to place those problems on anybody else.

So the question is should I meet him despite all the fears I have?

It's not often that I get to say this, in fact this is probably a first because usually he annoys the hell out of me and doesn't often give me cause to feel such admiration and pride but this is one very special occasion indeed.

Right now I am so incredibly proud of my youngest brother that I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing out this entry. Robert has led his team to victory at the annual Brass Monkey competition (for scouts and explorers) and has the gold medal around his neck to prove it.

I already knew that his team was in with a very good chance of winning this year but I never like to get my hopes up too much in case it somehow jinxes the outcome.

They were set to perform well in every category but even so in the end it all rested on Robert and whether or not his leadership skills would be sufficient and he proved without question that they were. This was the first time he had ever led a team and he excelled in his role of responsibility beyond most expectations.

Congratulations Robert, love you little brother!!!

So I'm officially 21 now, as of just over an hour ago. I've got to say that I don't feel much different, the transition has been pain free and surprisingly easy. I'm expecting for it to hit me at any moment that I'm now a proper adult but for now I'm just so happy and grateful for the most wonderful birthday, I shall cherish the memories forever.

I'm angry and upset with my dad. He knows when my birthday is so why the hell would he arrange to be away on a first response course - for the frigging scouts no less - on that exact day?! If it was any other birthday then fair enough, I wouldn't be happy but I'd let it drop. It's my 21st though FFS! Why is it that he puts in so much time and effort with kids that aren't even his own but when it comes to his own family he just couldn't give a toss?!

Thanks dad, thanks a lot! You really know how to make me feel special... :(

If that wasn't enough, my brother William will also be away, helping out with the beaver pack even though he too knew that he shouldn't be making other commitments on that day. The only reason I have forgiven him is that he has kindly offered to take me out to the pub to celebrate after he gets back.

As for my dad, I don't want to hate him but he doesn't make it easy not to.

I swear this is probably going to be the oddest post I ever make...

O-kay, I have unearthed a new talent that must have lain dormant within me for all these years. Apparently I can assume the role of a (cyber) dominatrix and be quite convincing in that role, at least according to my new Turkish slave that I have acquired lol. This is news to me as I never imagined myself capable of role playing in this manner, I have to say that I'm more than a little amused.

Why is it that I feel close to crying and yet there is absolutely no reason for me to do so? I rarely get emotional since I've started taking Citalopram, it pretty much numbs everything and stops me from feeling the way I used to, which can only be a good thing.

But just today I'm feeling rather odd, I'm not sad and I'm not happy either. I'm content and yet sort of discontent at the same time. Sometimes I feel as if I don't even know myself, as though somehow I'm hiding away a part of myself that even I haven't managed to discover yet.

I think I'm having some sort of identity crisis which on the one hand bothers me and on the other doesn't because it's not life threatening or anything proper to worry over. I feel kind of lost within myself, almost like a little child that hasn't had a proper chance to grow and learn enough about themself.

I could keep this rambling up all day but I won't, I'll stop here for now...

I have an appointment tomorrow at a mental health centre and I'm feeling so nervous right now that I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight. I was originally supposed to have an appointment there on the 2nd of January but they rang an hour before I was due to go and said that they apologised but the appointment was cancelled because of staff shortages or something.

This appointment is with a man who has a completely unpronounceable name, so I'll be taking the confirmation letter with me because there's no way I'm struggling to say it and looking like a total moron. I'll be stuttering enough as it is.

Luckily I'll have my mum with me for support so it won't be all bad. I just wish it was all over and done with so I could stop worrying. I try to remind myself that these people are there to help me overcome my problem but it does nothing for easing my fears unfortunately.

Oh well...guess I'll relax with a movie and try to stay calm since I won't be sleeping anytime soon.

I've been doing really well recently - with the exception of getting overly-emotional on New Years Eve/Day - I've managed to keep my emotions in check and not get sad or angry or just downright depressed about anything and everything as I used to do.

Now, I could just pretend to myself that I'm fine and not hurting at the moment but what would be the use of lying? I'm not strong enough yet to just brush things off and ignore them. I'm getting there but inside I'm still quite an emotional wreck that just needs time and determination to change all of that.

I don't feel especially teary or anything, in fact I almost feel nothing but a numbness, an emptiness that makes me feel hollow and worthless. I know that these feelings will pass but right now I want to scream until I am hoarse, or somehow escape from my own life for a bit and experience the world through someone else's eyes.

At night I go to sleep, wishing that the next day I'll have no memory of who I used to be and instead be somebody so different, more like the person I want to be. I sometimes wonder, if I had the chance to start over, what would I do differently? What would/could I change so that I didn't end up at this same point again, going nowhere.

I have so many questions like those, but I can't answer them and neither can anyone else, that's just the way it goes and I can either accept it or be miserable forever. What a waste of a perfectly good life that would be if I were to remain miserable and bitter, none of that would change the past. So today, I have decided that won't be me, I deserve the right to be happy and I'm bloody well going to try and make that happen!

Today I had a fun afternoon with my friend Nathan and his fiance, Adam. Nathan was a little late as usual, he missed the bus again *rolls eyes* This meant I had the opportunity to chat to Adam for a bit, during which time I discovered that I wanted to move to Milton Keynes and work in the shopping centre there so that I can get all the discounts he does, seriously they're amazing!

Nathan eventually arrived a short while later and the three of us went into M&S to buy sandwiches and other foody stuff. We sat down on some benches to eat and when I got a little bored I thought it would be fun to take some photos :D Nobody seemed willing to pose though so my idea turned out to be pretty rubbish bah!

Ooh we went to the recently opened sweet shop (it's old-fashioned and does sweets in jars) and got excited as we perused the shelves. I bought some jelly beans for Robert and some strawberry bon bons for myself and William. I LOVE strawberry bon bons! They're a really great chocolate-alternative - I've eaten too much of that over Christmas.

After stocking up on sugary goodness we stopped by our favourite place to visit - that's right the great and wonderful supermarket that is Tescos. We wandered around for a bit and then left to walk back down the High Street to M&S again, where Adam bought Indian food for their dinner and Nathan and I had an interesting conversation about the chocobos in Final Fantasy (namely where does that music come from everytime you ride one?) Nathan solved that conundrum, they have stereos inside them which are activated/deactivated everytime someone gets on or off them. Yeah that really was what we talked about lol.

Then it was time to go check the bus timetable, a bus had just gone so the next one would be twenty minutes or so. This was enough time for Nathan to start talking about some rather disturbng things which I tried my best to ignore but failed. We also stopped a car crash from happening (sort of..) Someone had left a trolley by the bench we were sitting on and it started to roll towards the road... luckily we stopped it. That was our good deed for the day lol.

I waved Nathan and Adam off when their bus arrived and headed home...the End



Hopefully later I'll be off out to the pub to see in the New Year with my family, but only if it isn't too icy. It'll be crap if I have to stay at home, I want to go out and celebrate! It isn't as though I have much else to celebrate, so I'll grab any chance I can.

I've just realised how terrible I've become at writing, I'm just hopeless at putting my thoughts into words these days. Everything I write just makes me cringe, it's so arrrgh and ewwww and ughhh - um yeah.

In no particular order (well a random one) here are a list of things for me to do and issues for me to resolve starting 2009:

Combat my anxiety and overcome it as best I can so that I can live a relatively normal life.
Learn to play keyboard to a reasonable standard.
Cut back on the amount of time spent thinking about McDean, James and Guy. (Note to self, this is most likely bloody impossible)
Update my LJ more often and stop being such a lazy bint.
Exercise regularly and resist the temptations of food that is bad for me.
Watch the first Star Wars Trilogy (I've now become a Sci-fi nut)
Buy and play Lego Star Wars...(still part of my sci-fi obsession)
Buy Animal Crossing and satisfy that craving.
Stop getting crushes on randomly hot blokes (it's a very annoying habit)
Enjoy my 21'st however much it pains me to do so.
Continue my duty and keep the McDean legend alive.
Love and support James every bit as much as I did this year.
Learn to speak basic Italian.
Take more photos to document my life, or lack of.
Read more (this does not include McDean fic which I read far too much of)
Buy and play the World Ends With You.
Get a boyfriend/girlfriend (joke)

That's enough to be going on with I think.

I'm so thankful that I managed to have a really good time, it means so much just to be able to relax and have a laugh without feeling irrationally scared for once. Having social anxiety makes it very difficult to interact with people (this can include my own family) so Christmas has been known to cause slight dread in me before now and quite honestly I didn't expect this year to be any different to the last few.

It's not easy for me to get into the festive spirit and this year was no exception, nothing seemed to work no matter how much I wanted it to. Anyways I woke early on Christmas morning (about 7'ish) and though I'd open my little bag of pressies 'santa' had left for me. Nothing very exciting but I was grateful nevertheless as I'm several years too old to still be considered a child.

Pressies open, and wrapping paper strewn everywhere, I then decided to get dressed. My outfit, a black sequined top and short denim skirt with black tights. It was a different look to what I'd usually wear but I think I looked alright and I'd probably wear it again for another occasion (perhaps New Year's hmm)

I ate breakfast with my grandparents and chatted with them about everything and nothing until it was time to go and wake William up, this was no easy feat. Five times I went in to wake him and each time he just grunted and huddled the duvet closer around him, brothers eh! I took a picture of him on my phone and it's now on the internet tee hee.

We ate Christmas dinner at my Nan's house, I swear the christmas cracker jokes are getting worse. They used to be mildly amusing but now they're just WTF?!? We all wore our paper hats, except for Robert who was doing a good impression of Scrooge. He didn't even bother dressing up or washing his hair or...well anything :0

In the afternoon it was time for more pressies yay! My parents got me Final Fantasy IV for my DS and my Nan got me a keyboard starter back because I'm determined to learn to play a musical instrument and I reckon that keyboard is my best bet. Unsurprisingly my oh so generous brothers didn't get me anything pfft. I got Robert the Doctor Who soundtracks to series 3 and 4 and for William I got the Star Wars Trilogy. I watched them with him and bloody hell I actually enjoyed them...another WTF moment there.

My grandma and grandpa gave me money as they never know what to buy for me but they also got me a bottle of perfume too. My favourite gift though is the cute, cuddly toy that my lovely friend Kaz got for me. Thank you Kaz, I love it!!! I won't say what I've chosen to name him, it's a little embarrassing and sad. :P

We had the most scrumptious tea, so much food omnomnomnom... And in the evening we played Trivial Pursuit, everyone vs my dad so that he could show off his amazing intellect...didn't work so well as he lost hee!

So that's almost it for another year, just the New Year's to go now. It hasn't been properly decided how we're going to celebrate it, but my guess is it will concern a pub and a few drinks with my lovely family. Of course Robert will have to stay at home though which is a shame in some ways and not in other ways because he has become a very disagreeable, unhygenic and rude teenager, besides he'll have his series 4 of Doctor Who boxset to keep him company.

We'll get home shortly after midnight and watch some crappy tv before heading to bed, that'll do nicely methinks.

Yeah so bring on 2009!

This is my contribution for secret santa over on JSO. ^_^

Well this is the lowest I've felt in a long while and I'm really starting to become scared that I'll find myself back in that dark place I was in last year.

It took a miracle to come through that and I honestly don't know what would have happened if a sense of purpose hadn't appeared in my life at that point.

I just want to curl up and sleep for ages now and wake to a much better feeling...not that I really expect that to happen.